Chapter One

Imagine having a father who showed you everything you needed to know about hurting people, who showed you how to turn out your wife on dope.  How about never coming in contact with you unless he was high or drunk?  Man, my father was a real trooper. He never let his friends down nor did they have to be put off, because of his family. However, as his family we though of our father as this great big man who can kill anyone who ever crossed him.  But for some reason he could never push himself to love us or me enough to raise me to be respectable childe who would in turn become  man who love his family and community.

My father was a very hard worker and kept a smile on his face, but never once asked me where my mind was at or whether or not I finished school.  He never asked me if I loved myself nor did he teach me how to love myself.  He knew how to do one thing; break my heart and turn to dope for his best interests.  My father was nothing like a true man, as I know one to be at this present time. My whole life is destroyed as a result of his disregard for nurturing me.

Through all the years of disrespect from my father, I realized one thing my father did not love shit, but that dope.  He broke my mother down like a dog in a junkyard.  My father didn’t even love himself, and showed it by not leaving drugs alone.  He built another family and destroyed that too.  What kind of father can be when there were not images to hold on to nor was there a house to remember.  I never remember seeing my father sober.

My father never recovered from his dope habit and I never did recover from this heavy heart I walk with throughout life.  I am crushed as a man because I never had my father as a child.  When I thought there was a little bit of hope, I received a rude awakening.  My father gave up his family and life for dope and I never got a chance to tell him I love him for being my father.

I am a father and I left my family for something I love more than them.  I got stuck in my father’s image, to the point I wanted to be just like him. The only thing I did not do is turn out my wife, because I did not have one.  My respect level for women is so low, because I was never in a good position to learn how to love a woman or anyone for that matter.  Right now I feel like my love should be sent out to the world, because I now understand love is something to be exchanged in order to be maintained. Without love I have no hope.  A man without hope is an unlearned man that will surely go to his grave empty hearted. Absentee fathers can destroy every son within a million mile radius and can stop the heartbeat of any community known to man.  Mother’s cry everyday with the pain of losing a father of their child to drugs or guns, but when we walk away just to chase other women or money, we never realize the impact of our actions.

Having a father like mine was what it took to reach out to others who may consider turning his back on his family.  I cry out for help, but it seems as though everyone has their own problems.